Fear

I do not have a poker face, maybe Gaga does but I definitely do not. I try to keep neutral for the most part because I remember Eckhart Tolle stating that our ego is in play when we get emotional high’s and low’s and we should try to control it so that it doesn’t control us. Well I must have some sort of ego because I was seriously getting worried about my employability. If you read the blog you know I have been randomly looking for a new job and after the initial burst of potential opportunities things went dry, not Sahara dry but very close to it. I was beginning to think something was wrong with me and was starting to seriously doubt my skills.

Things would pop into my head and make me question my worth as a human. Things like maybe I think too highly of myself or maybe I was fooling myself into thinking I could do more or maybe this is all there is for me? What was going on, why was my ‘ego’ telling me I was an unworthy human just because nobody was calling me in for a job interview? I know it sounds a bit crazy but really I was doing a number on myself and not in a good way.

I think all these thoughts played into my head because I was thinking that if I can’t find a man the least I should be able to do is find a job. The fact that neither situation was changing was making me feel sorry for myself. This is no way to be and coming from someone like me who usually thinks I can take on the world it was an awful experience.

I think it’s hard to admit your fears no matter what they are. Personally I like writing things down, not normally in a blog for all to read, but if it’s written down I feel I can fight it with logic rather than with ‘ego’. The good thing is that things are happening on the job front and although the man situation is still on life support the breathing has become a hell of a lot easier now that my head is out of the way.

Queen B

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