Dirty Old Men Need Love To…

cultfit-me

Yesterday was like any other day. I went to work, hit the gym then took the dogs out for a walk. It was on my evening walk where thing got interesting. I was propositioned by a married man!

The Indecent Proposal….

I’ve been living in my condo now for almost two years and have run into this gentleman (we’ll call him Dirty John) a few times. If you’re a dog owner you know the small talk game. You usually talk about the weather, pretend to be embarrassed when your dog tries to hump their dog, etc. I’ve always kept the small talk with Dirty John to ‘hello”, ”how’s Pepper doing?” and, “enjoy your walk.” Yesterday however, I ask him if he knew that there was a coyote loose in the area. So we chat about that and I go on my merry way. Just another regular encounter in the park, until I run into him again just as we are walking home. He stops me and asks what I was doing for the rest of the evening, odd but I just said it’s TV time. He then proceeds to ask if I wanted some company … Hell No! This man lives with his wife in the building next to mine!. I said ‘NO, I’m good!’ and stormed off. 

 As I was walking away, the anger really set in. I was thinking why would he think that was ok? Then I recapped the whole encounter, trying to figure out what I did to make him think that my talking to him was more than general courtesy. I started to blame myself for HIS behaviour! I think we women, still to this day, blame ourselves much too often. We blame ourselves for how men behave towards us, how they talk to us, how we feel after a situation arises, how our friends and family will see us, and the list goes on. I felt I did something to encourage him, but in retrospect he probably thought what’s the worst thing that could happen? She’ll say no, but if she says yes………. 

I know I should not let this man’s behaviour change who I am, but on subconscious level it has. I will now be wary of whom I speak to and how friendly I am towards them. This is the harsh truth of the matter. My behaviour will change, but I am sure, his will not. Is this what men think now? That any woman who converses with them are sending a signal that they want them? Have we gone so far that we have forgotten basic social interactions? Are people so use to interacting on their phones that when the opportunity to have face to face conversation happens, it’s only for the purpose of getting sex? 

 I believe the most upsetting thing about this encounter is it makes me lose hope that I’ll find a good man. You know the man that wants to get to know me, not just fuck me. But I don’t seem to be having any luck finding that guy, but I can take my pick from the Dirty Johns of the world. I have to assume it’s me, and that I’m giving off some vibe that makes me a conquest rather than quest. It’s ironic if you think about it, I was with someone that did not want to have sex with me and now I only meet people that do and it still makes me feel bad. Where is the happy medium in all this? 

 Have you felt this way? 

Large Nat

No Job, No Money, No Prospects, No Man

no job

The day I lost my job…

Last Wednesday I went into work and it was like every other day, except that day, I was told, I was being laid off. Deep down, I knew that it would happen eventually if things did not pick up for the business, because I am the accountant. I figured I had more time and that it would be on my own terms. Losing a job is tough, even if you wanted out of there. But the worst part for me was how it all went down. I worked with all men and I was treated differently. I didn’t get an annual raise, but the (we’ll call him) young guy in the office did. He deserved it, but so did I.

When my boss/company owner laid off the warehouse guy, he did it between just the two of them, no witnesses. But when he called me into the boardroom to do the same, it was with him and said young guy, my junior. This made the experience even more humiliating.

To recap, I walk into the boardroom and see the young guy sitting at the table, I ask “what’s this about” and he shrugs his shoulders. My boss walked in and stands behind the young guy. He starts by saying “you know we are going to be laying people off and I want to know if you want a package or the offer to come back if things pick up?” At first, I thought he was talking to me and the young guy. I’m looking at them looking at me, and then realize that this meeting is meant just for me. I sit there as every emotion possible passes through me, but the biggest injustice was stripping me of my dignity. I had to process this news in front of my co-worker. As tears start to hover, I get up, walk out of the room, get my purse and leave the building. I was not going to let them see me breakdown.

Fuck you!

I drove home in tears, mostly from the indignity that I felt. I was angry because I felt the lack of respect. The tears were tears of frustration and fear. I am single, with a mortgage, and the weight of that hit me in the chest. I felt like there was a 300 pound man sitting on me. I couldn’t breath and I thought I was going to throw up. Losing your job is hard, my parents and brother went through it, but for them, at least they had a partner to rely on. When you have no one to lean on to get you through the tough financial times or, to have as a support system, you panic. In that moment I realized just how alone I was. My friends and family are wonderful and they were there for me, but  at night when you’re lying in bed and the fears return because you are no longer distracted, is when  you feel the loneliness. Those are the moments that I know I want a partner. I wanted to cry on someone’s shoulder, to be hugged and told it’ll be okay and that “we’ll get through it”.

I eventually told my boss I wanted the package, and that meant I had to go in the next day. The young guy was surprised to see me, said “I didn’t think you’d return”. But I had to. I’m the only one that will do up my unemployment record and do payroll, and I want to ensure I get what’s owing to me. If I didn’t need the money I would have said “fuck you”. I mustered all that I had to get myself in there that next day, only to find he had changed all my passwords, so I couldn’t do anything. He tells me to get the filing in order and to make list of where everything is for him…just an excuse for more indignity. I asked him “why are you making me feel like a criminal?” I never got an answer. Eventually I got my access back, and he gave me a list of things he wanted done by end of next week …..the final indignity.

I know this is a blessing in disguise. The universe has pushed me out of a very demeaning situation. I only have one more week of dealing with a chauvinistic boss, and a pervey programmer (blog to follow). I will no longer be made to feel bad for doing my job properly and, I won’t have to listen to all the cock talk any more. There is a silver lining…

If you are reading this and are, going through something similar, I know how you are feeling. The weight on your chest is heavy, but hopefully you have a shoulder to lean on when you crawl into bed. If you are alone like me, the only way to not be crying all the time is to get into survival mode. Put your focus on your resume, jump on Indeed and start applying for jobs. Submit your application for Employment Insurance so there are no delays. Call your friends and family. The first days are an emotional whirlwind, you’ll have no appetite, no sleep, nervous poos and constantly be on the verge of tears, but you will get through this.

If you’ve lost a job please share your experience with us. Tell us how you got through it or, if you need a shoulder to lean on, we are here.

Remember you’re not alone!

Large Nat

Put a plug in it…

A butt plug that is

I have a friend and we’ve recently got on the topic of sex. It was more he shared a story from one of his college adventures and that just open the door to more of these conversations. I cannot repeat his collage story because as I told him I am one to many people that know, however I will share our recent conversation because I found it hilarious and it made me Google butt plugs..wtf?!

The conversation started off innocently enough until he said he had an asphalt guy and I thought he said ass plug guy. So that door swung wide open, and after we stopped laughing that just lead to this conversation:

Him – So Nat have you ever tried one.

Me- What? A butt plug? NO

Him- Oh you should, I hear it is very extense experience

Me- You heard this uh? So is this going to be another college story

Him- No I’m telling you so you can explore that area and you may discover you like it

Me- I just Googled butt plugs, so basically your telling me to bedazzle my asshole?

Him- OMG what are you looking at?

Me- I’m looking at the P-Diddy diamond stuck in someone’s asshole, I want a P-Diddy diamond but not up my ass! Oh and they have rabbit tails, fox tails and cat tails but I don’t see a smiley face. You’d think the smiley face would be a big seller because if you’re ass up wouldn’t it be nice for the person behind to see a smiling face looking back? I guess I can see the purpose of them, it’s better then having an angry asshole looking back at you.

He now laughing tells me this conversation has ended and that just set me off hysterics, I think he may have hung up on me but that’s okay he’ll call back.

I’ve never had this conversation with anyone before and I know that the anus is considered an erogenous zone, but it’s not an area I think about sexually. If you’ve ever had a barium enema you’d understand why. ( I’ll share that story in my future podcast, stay tuned)

Ladies have you explored this area? Is it extense? Please share, no judgement here I’m curious.

Remember you’re not alone!

It’s not you….I’m asexual

I’m blogging again as a single gal. I was not going to post about anything that happened in my last relationship or in this case didn’t happen, but I think there may be others out there that need to know they are not alone. I was with my ex for 4 years, and now that I’ve had time to find me again I’m sharing my story.

As with all relationships, it started off with great expectations. I think that is where it all went wrong but that’s another blog post. Things were good, not great but sometimes you think you want something so bad you make it better then it is. There were signs in the beginning that told me this was not going to last forever but nothing prepared me for the emotional mind fuck of my partner telling me he that he was asexual. I Googled asexuality and just stared at this definition….

What is Asexuality?

Asexuality is a sexual orientation characterized by a persistent lack of sexual attraction toward any gender. At least 1% of people are believed to be asexual.

Now you may be wondering how this conversation came about, it was actually a big issue in our relationship. After a couple years he was just not interested in me physically. Of course I internalized that but tell me how you couldn’t. Your with someone and they wanted you in the beginning but then lose interest. We had lengthy conversations about it. At first it was all about his past, his issues with his father and the trauma he caused. I was trying to understand and suggested he talk to someone to help him address these issues. He did go to one therapy session but decided he’ll deal with it on his own. Eventually this lead him to Google his lack of intimacy issues and he decided he was asexual.

I did not share this with anyone for a long while. I was so hurt and felt so rejected that I could not have anyone else know of my shame. It took a long time for that to fester into anger instead I went into sad ugly place. I stopped doing things I loved, this is not his doing, he just said the words but this is how I let them effect me. I just continued to go through the motions of being in a relationship until I could no longer stand myself. Yes I could not stand how I let myself go and I wanted more. I could no longer live in his world of anger and self pity, so I ended it.

Ending the relationship was the easy part it had ended long before I walked away. The hard part was the struggle to get my self-esteem back. When someone would rather believe they were asexual then be intimate with you it, it leaves a scar. You feel unloveable and it hurts. For anyone that is feeling this way at this moment I can tell you it’s their issues NOT yours, even thought this is true it will not sink in. You have probably told yourself over and over it’s not me, however deep down you don’t believe that.

The struggle is to get your beliefs about yourself to match all the good stuff you tell yourself. All the positive self talk in the world will do fuck all if you don’t believe what you’re saying! So how do you get yourself to the place of believing. Start by doing something that you love. For me that’s working out, nothing makes me feel stronger then when I feel like I’ve pushed myself.

What is that thing that makes you feel invincible?

All you need to do is find that thing. You know what it is, it’s whatever gives you joy. The thing that if you talk about it, you light up. Finding your thing will slowly lead to the new you! Start there the rest just falls into place. You will find your confidence again, you WILL feel desirable and loveable again. I am still working on me and that’s a good thing it’s when we stop working on ourselves that we let our truth be taken from us.

We are all lovable in our own ways, we just need to find the people that accept us as we are!

Remember you are not alone!

She’s Peeing Dumbass

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It’s 2019 ladies and this is suppose to be the year of great change and manifestations coming true. Well yesterday was day 2 of the New Year and I started the day by telling someone off, kind of…

I woke up feeling pretty good, that morning was status quo until I took the dogs out for a walk. Daisy my pug mix was was enjoying her morning pee when I can hear someone yelling. I look to where the screeching was coming from and some old bitty was yelling from her car. I said pardon and she screams “pick up after your dog!”. I looked at her a little confused then realized that she thought that Daisy had taken a poop. So I yelled back “She is taking a piss you Dumbass!” Needless to say she drove off in a huff.

Was I wrong to say that to her?  I don’t think so because I held back from calling her an old C U Next Tuesday.

Here’s hoping that the New Year can only get better from here on out.

Cheers!

Large Nat

PS. I’m Baaaaaaaaaaaaack!

Running but I did not find the high…

A couple of months ago Steve (my main squeeze) and I decided we want to add to our workout repertoire, so we hired our friend and awesome trainer Lanny to help get us to the next level of fitness. We have just finished our 10 sessions and I am happy to say I can now fit into my favorite pair of black jeans that last year I could not  button up. Now I can button them and still have a little wiggle room. SWEET!

Steve is just all around amazing, he has lost over 50lbs in the last two years, and together we plan to reach our fitness goals. So to get there we decided that every Tuesday and Thursday we will do a late evening 5K run.   

running

Yesterday was my first attempt at running the 5k with Steve and Lanny. It started off all fine and dandy; I had my breathing under control and I was able to ignore the different areas of pain I was feeling in my legs. However somewhere along the way I was overcome with anger, I was pissed that I decided this was good idea, pissed that I was not experiencing that runners high. I seriously had hoped by now I would be feeling like Leo DiCaprio in Basketball Diaries as he is running through the field. Sadly no feelings of euphoria came but oh joy what’s up ahead.. a hill! A fucking Hill!!!

I start-up the hill; it was rough going and it only got worse. As I watch my running buddies stride up it with ease,  my anger came back.  I could not ignore the pain in my thighs any longer and I broke the one rule we had and that was ‘No Stopping on the Hill’. Fuck the rules I say and I stopped! BIG mistake that was, suddenly my well controlled heart rate went through the roof, I felt like I was having an asthmatic attack verging on a panic attack.  I could feel the onset of frustration tears when I see my main squeeze striding towards me. Instantly I was overcome with that peaceful feeling I get when he is around and the urge to punch him in the face because at that moment I blamed him for this stupid idea of running.

In his calm manner he tells me to raise my arms over my head, and to take deep breaths through my nose.  I was able to get my breathing under control and the tears of frustration  that were hovering at that edge of my eyelids had slowly retracted back to be saved for another day. Needless to say this is one of the many reason why I love him.

We caught up to Lanny who was waiting for us at the top of the hill, they both made me feel better with words of encouragement and I was able to finish off what we started. The hill won this round but I will be back and I will conquer it!

Today I am a little sore but feel a lot better about the idea of running, I will give it another go on Thursday and continue until I conquer that hill!

If you have any tips to help me reach that runners high, I would love to hear them.

It’s a bird? It’s a Plane? No It’s SUPERMAN

Today’s Yummo is Henry Cavill the new Superman and seriously this man is chiseled perfection with a british accent. Talk about instant panty remover.

Superman

Superman Shirtless

henry cavill

Are you addicted to your phone?

man-texting-while-on-date

In this wonderful new aged world that we live in we can do practically anything on our smart phones. We can pay our bills, make appointments, play games, take pictures, and connect to our social media outlets. But when is it enough? It seems everyone is more concerned with what is happening in the cyber world then with the real world. Has this become the new addiction?

There’s a commercial on the radio with a guy talking about how awesome his new smart phone is; even though it got him into trouble because he’d rather play with IT than his girlfriend (not so much those words but that’s the point they are trying to make). How does he solve his problem he buys her a dress using his awesome new phone and all is well ( because as you know we gals are easily placated when you buy us stuff). At the end of the commercial he says “What gets you into trouble will also get you out of trouble.” WTF? Or is it just me?

Am I wrong to think that you probably have an addiction if you believe it is more important to make comment on Facebook than to be present with the people in your company?

How can you tell if you are addicted?

  1. Do you go into panic mode the moment you realize you left your phone at home

       2.  Are checking it every 20 minutes (or less) even if you do not get a text or e-mail notification?

       3.  When out with friends, family, a date do you keep checking Facebook on your phone becoming oblivious of the person / people around you?

       4.  Do you spend more time having text conversations than you do interacting with people face to face?

       5.  Have you hurt a loved one’s feeling because you were so absorbed with the cyber world that you did not hear a word they said?

       6. Can you sit through a TV show without checking your phone during commercials?

If you have answered YES to 2 or more of the above then face it, you have an addition.

Basically if you think that you are spending too much time in the cyber world its simple … YOU ARE!

Remember everything is ok in moderation, but when it starts interfering with your ability to live in the moment, it’s time to cut back. Beside don’t you think it would be more enjoyable to actually laugh out loud; rather than write LOL?

Happy Saturday!

Hey Gals.

I’ve received various links to pic’s of hot men from my gals pals, and I’ve finally got the hint…It’s Yummo time!

Today’s Yummo, model André Hall was sent to me yesterday with the message ‘Yummo Material’ and yes he is. Have a great day gals!

Andre Hall

Andre Hall

Gone but never to be forgotten ….

 

Dianne 2

Last month  my very dear friend Tanya’s mom had lost her battle with cancer. Tanya is one of two of childhood friends (30 years of friendship), and each of our mothers have always been a part of all of our lives.

My mom constantly telling us to keep It down but secretly loving our noisy chatter… okay maybe not a 3am in morning when we woke the whole house up.  

Lynda, Dee’s mother (my other lifelong friend) embarrassing us by sleeping under a tree snoring with her shoes off and glasses hanging down her face out front of our college.

And Dianne, Tanya’s mother, this vibrant stylish lady who was always quick to say what nice girls we were.  Who on our prom night helped me with my Lee Press-On-Nails; later when I told her that one got stuck to my boob and my ass, she replied that these things happen. Knowing very well that they don’t happen, they only happen to me.

 She had a great way of always making you feel special.  We would joke and say that if you farted in front of Dianne she would tell you how wonderful it was, that she has never heard anything with such velocity , or nor has she smelt anything  like it. Tanya too has this gift; Dianne I know you are up there reading this probably saying “oh that Natalie she has such a way with words, such a thoughtful gal that one is.”

Dianne you will be missed but not forgotten, you live on through your daughters, in our hearts and our memories.  I have no doubt that your little patch of heaven is already full of vibrant colours and over crowded with old and new friends you are meeting up there. 

Here is what I have learned from this amazing lady:

  •        Tell people you appreciate them
  •        Be who you are
  •       Do what makes you happy
  •      Keep your girlfriends, Dianne once said how she was so happy that Tanya had such good friends and to never lose that.
  •   Always look your best, because you never know where your day will take you.  (I’m still working on this one)

Remember to cherished the ones you love, appreciate the small things, be true to yourself and always look your best because we did not know what’s around the corner, it could be Leo DiCaprio with a bunch of red roses and you would not want to be in you sweats for that!

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