No Job, No Money, No Prospects, No Man

no job

The day I lost my job…

Last Wednesday I went into work and it was like every other day, except that day, I was told, I was being laid off. Deep down, I knew that it would happen eventually if things did not pick up for the business, because I am the accountant. I figured I had more time and that it would be on my own terms. Losing a job is tough, even if you wanted out of there. But the worst part for me was how it all went down. I worked with all men and I was treated differently. I didn’t get an annual raise, but the (we’ll call him) young guy in the office did. He deserved it, but so did I.

When my boss/company owner laid off the warehouse guy, he did it between just the two of them, no witnesses. But when he called me into the boardroom to do the same, it was with him and said young guy, my junior. This made the experience even more humiliating.

To recap, I walk into the boardroom and see the young guy sitting at the table, I ask “what’s this about” and he shrugs his shoulders. My boss walked in and stands behind the young guy. He starts by saying “you know we are going to be laying people off and I want to know if you want a package or the offer to come back if things pick up?” At first, I thought he was talking to me and the young guy. I’m looking at them looking at me, and then realize that this meeting is meant just for me. I sit there as every emotion possible passes through me, but the biggest injustice was stripping me of my dignity. I had to process this news in front of my co-worker. As tears start to hover, I get up, walk out of the room, get my purse and leave the building. I was not going to let them see me breakdown.

Fuck you!

I drove home in tears, mostly from the indignity that I felt. I was angry because I felt the lack of respect. The tears were tears of frustration and fear. I am single, with a mortgage, and the weight of that hit me in the chest. I felt like there was a 300 pound man sitting on me. I couldn’t breath and I thought I was going to throw up. Losing your job is hard, my parents and brother went through it, but for them, at least they had a partner to rely on. When you have no one to lean on to get you through the tough financial times or, to have as a support system, you panic. In that moment I realized just how alone I was. My friends and family are wonderful and they were there for me, but  at night when you’re lying in bed and the fears return because you are no longer distracted, is when  you feel the loneliness. Those are the moments that I know I want a partner. I wanted to cry on someone’s shoulder, to be hugged and told it’ll be okay and that “we’ll get through it”.

I eventually told my boss I wanted the package, and that meant I had to go in the next day. The young guy was surprised to see me, said “I didn’t think you’d return”. But I had to. I’m the only one that will do up my unemployment record and do payroll, and I want to ensure I get what’s owing to me. If I didn’t need the money I would have said “fuck you”. I mustered all that I had to get myself in there that next day, only to find he had changed all my passwords, so I couldn’t do anything. He tells me to get the filing in order and to make list of where everything is for him…just an excuse for more indignity. I asked him “why are you making me feel like a criminal?” I never got an answer. Eventually I got my access back, and he gave me a list of things he wanted done by end of next week …..the final indignity.

I know this is a blessing in disguise. The universe has pushed me out of a very demeaning situation. I only have one more week of dealing with a chauvinistic boss, and a pervey programmer (blog to follow). I will no longer be made to feel bad for doing my job properly and, I won’t have to listen to all the cock talk any more. There is a silver lining…

If you are reading this and are, going through something similar, I know how you are feeling. The weight on your chest is heavy, but hopefully you have a shoulder to lean on when you crawl into bed. If you are alone like me, the only way to not be crying all the time is to get into survival mode. Put your focus on your resume, jump on Indeed and start applying for jobs. Submit your application for Employment Insurance so there are no delays. Call your friends and family. The first days are an emotional whirlwind, you’ll have no appetite, no sleep, nervous poos and constantly be on the verge of tears, but you will get through this.

If you’ve lost a job please share your experience with us. Tell us how you got through it or, if you need a shoulder to lean on, we are here.

Remember you’re not alone!

Large Nat

It’s not you….I’m asexual

I’m blogging again as a single gal. I was not going to post about anything that happened in my last relationship or in this case didn’t happen, but I think there may be others out there that need to know they are not alone. I was with my ex for 4 years, and now that I’ve had time to find me again I’m sharing my story.

As with all relationships, it started off with great expectations. I think that is where it all went wrong but that’s another blog post. Things were good, not great but sometimes you think you want something so bad you make it better then it is. There were signs in the beginning that told me this was not going to last forever but nothing prepared me for the emotional mind fuck of my partner telling me he that he was asexual. I Googled asexuality and just stared at this definition….

What is Asexuality?

Asexuality is a sexual orientation characterized by a persistent lack of sexual attraction toward any gender. At least 1% of people are believed to be asexual.

Now you may be wondering how this conversation came about, it was actually a big issue in our relationship. After a couple years he was just not interested in me physically. Of course I internalized that but tell me how you couldn’t. Your with someone and they wanted you in the beginning but then lose interest. We had lengthy conversations about it. At first it was all about his past, his issues with his father and the trauma he caused. I was trying to understand and suggested he talk to someone to help him address these issues. He did go to one therapy session but decided he’ll deal with it on his own. Eventually this lead him to Google his lack of intimacy issues and he decided he was asexual.

I did not share this with anyone for a long while. I was so hurt and felt so rejected that I could not have anyone else know of my shame. It took a long time for that to fester into anger instead I went into sad ugly place. I stopped doing things I loved, this is not his doing, he just said the words but this is how I let them effect me. I just continued to go through the motions of being in a relationship until I could no longer stand myself. Yes I could not stand how I let myself go and I wanted more. I could no longer live in his world of anger and self pity, so I ended it.

Ending the relationship was the easy part it had ended long before I walked away. The hard part was the struggle to get my self-esteem back. When someone would rather believe they were asexual then be intimate with you it, it leaves a scar. You feel unloveable and it hurts. For anyone that is feeling this way at this moment I can tell you it’s their issues NOT yours, even thought this is true it will not sink in. You have probably told yourself over and over it’s not me, however deep down you don’t believe that.

The struggle is to get your beliefs about yourself to match all the good stuff you tell yourself. All the positive self talk in the world will do fuck all if you don’t believe what you’re saying! So how do you get yourself to the place of believing. Start by doing something that you love. For me that’s working out, nothing makes me feel stronger then when I feel like I’ve pushed myself.

What is that thing that makes you feel invincible?

All you need to do is find that thing. You know what it is, it’s whatever gives you joy. The thing that if you talk about it, you light up. Finding your thing will slowly lead to the new you! Start there the rest just falls into place. You will find your confidence again, you WILL feel desirable and loveable again. I am still working on me and that’s a good thing it’s when we stop working on ourselves that we let our truth be taken from us.

We are all lovable in our own ways, we just need to find the people that accept us as we are!

Remember you are not alone!

Running but I did not find the high…

A couple of months ago Steve (my main squeeze) and I decided we want to add to our workout repertoire, so we hired our friend and awesome trainer Lanny to help get us to the next level of fitness. We have just finished our 10 sessions and I am happy to say I can now fit into my favorite pair of black jeans that last year I could not  button up. Now I can button them and still have a little wiggle room. SWEET!

Steve is just all around amazing, he has lost over 50lbs in the last two years, and together we plan to reach our fitness goals. So to get there we decided that every Tuesday and Thursday we will do a late evening 5K run.   

running

Yesterday was my first attempt at running the 5k with Steve and Lanny. It started off all fine and dandy; I had my breathing under control and I was able to ignore the different areas of pain I was feeling in my legs. However somewhere along the way I was overcome with anger, I was pissed that I decided this was good idea, pissed that I was not experiencing that runners high. I seriously had hoped by now I would be feeling like Leo DiCaprio in Basketball Diaries as he is running through the field. Sadly no feelings of euphoria came but oh joy what’s up ahead.. a hill! A fucking Hill!!!

I start-up the hill; it was rough going and it only got worse. As I watch my running buddies stride up it with ease,  my anger came back.  I could not ignore the pain in my thighs any longer and I broke the one rule we had and that was ‘No Stopping on the Hill’. Fuck the rules I say and I stopped! BIG mistake that was, suddenly my well controlled heart rate went through the roof, I felt like I was having an asthmatic attack verging on a panic attack.  I could feel the onset of frustration tears when I see my main squeeze striding towards me. Instantly I was overcome with that peaceful feeling I get when he is around and the urge to punch him in the face because at that moment I blamed him for this stupid idea of running.

In his calm manner he tells me to raise my arms over my head, and to take deep breaths through my nose.  I was able to get my breathing under control and the tears of frustration  that were hovering at that edge of my eyelids had slowly retracted back to be saved for another day. Needless to say this is one of the many reason why I love him.

We caught up to Lanny who was waiting for us at the top of the hill, they both made me feel better with words of encouragement and I was able to finish off what we started. The hill won this round but I will be back and I will conquer it!

Today I am a little sore but feel a lot better about the idea of running, I will give it another go on Thursday and continue until I conquer that hill!

If you have any tips to help me reach that runners high, I would love to hear them.

Iyanla Fix My ‘Love’ Life…

Monday evening I turn on the TV and it happens to be on the OWN network. I see that Iylanla Fix My Life is coming on next. I was about to change the channel when the show starts and Iyanla asked “what’s making you single?” Then she goes on to say that she will be dealing with common mistakes that women make causing them to remain single. Needless to say I sat my ass back down and did not move from the TV for the next hour.

First she starts off with ‘It’s not HIM! Stop blaming HIM!’ Very powerful words, at first you may read this and get your knickers all bunched up but after you’ve gotten over your righteous indignation really think about these words. The ‘HIM’ in your life may very well be a narcissistic ass that puts you down all the time, a  commitment phobe , lazy  or whatever else you have labeled the men that have let you down. When she says stop blaming him she is saying look deep within yourself and ask WHY did you pick him in the first place? Did you pick the man who constantly puts you down because you believe that you are not good enough so you picked someone who is willing to verbalize your belief?

Do you believe that all the good ones are taken? That all men just want one thing and do not want to commit? Or that you don’t need a man because you can take care of yourself? Whatever it is that you’re verbalizing for you lack of love is exactly what you will find. Our limiting beliefs and fears will show up in our world. Buddha said it best “All that we are is the result of what we have thought”

Iyanla asked the audience to truthfully answer the following questions:

1)      What’s getting in the way of finding the one you love? What gets in my ways is_______________

2)      What is it that you don’t want a man to know about you? I don’t want him to know __________________

In order to fix your single life you need to fix your belief system. So ladies grab a notepad and write down all of your limiting beliefs and fears, read them, think about them and then write a new postive affirming belief beside it. Say these new beliefs out loud and start believing them.

Iyanla gave everyone homework, she said to go out there and say Hi to every man you pass (every man without a women hanging off his arm that is). Just say Hi without expecting anything from it. So gals get out there and a flash your pearly whites, and see what happens.

I beleive you will find the love that you truly desire, do you?

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