It’s not you….I’m asexual

I’m blogging again as a single gal. I was not going to post about anything that happened in my last relationship or in this case didn’t happen, but I think there may be others out there that need to know they are not alone. I was with my ex for 4 years, and now that I’ve had time to find me again I’m sharing my story.

As with all relationships, it started off with great expectations. I think that is where it all went wrong but that’s another blog post. Things were good, not great but sometimes you think you want something so bad you make it better then it is. There were signs in the beginning that told me this was not going to last forever but nothing prepared me for the emotional mind fuck of my partner telling me he that he was asexual. I Googled asexuality and just stared at this definition….

What is Asexuality?

Asexuality is a sexual orientation characterized by a persistent lack of sexual attraction toward any gender. At least 1% of people are believed to be asexual.

Now you may be wondering how this conversation came about, it was actually a big issue in our relationship. After a couple years he was just not interested in me physically. Of course I internalized that but tell me how you couldn’t. Your with someone and they wanted you in the beginning but then lose interest. We had lengthy conversations about it. At first it was all about his past, his issues with his father and the trauma he caused. I was trying to understand and suggested he talk to someone to help him address these issues. He did go to one therapy session but decided he’ll deal with it on his own. Eventually this lead him to Google his lack of intimacy issues and he decided he was asexual.

I did not share this with anyone for a long while. I was so hurt and felt so rejected that I could not have anyone else know of my shame. It took a long time for that to fester into anger instead I went into sad ugly place. I stopped doing things I loved, this is not his doing, he just said the words but this is how I let them effect me. I just continued to go through the motions of being in a relationship until I could no longer stand myself. Yes I could not stand how I let myself go and I wanted more. I could no longer live in his world of anger and self pity, so I ended it.

Ending the relationship was the easy part it had ended long before I walked away. The hard part was the struggle to get my self-esteem back. When someone would rather believe they were asexual then be intimate with you it, it leaves a scar. You feel unloveable and it hurts. For anyone that is feeling this way at this moment I can tell you it’s their issues NOT yours, even thought this is true it will not sink in. You have probably told yourself over and over it’s not me, however deep down you don’t believe that.

The struggle is to get your beliefs about yourself to match all the good stuff you tell yourself. All the positive self talk in the world will do fuck all if you don’t believe what you’re saying! So how do you get yourself to the place of believing. Start by doing something that you love. For me that’s working out, nothing makes me feel stronger then when I feel like I’ve pushed myself.

What is that thing that makes you feel invincible?

All you need to do is find that thing. You know what it is, it’s whatever gives you joy. The thing that if you talk about it, you light up. Finding your thing will slowly lead to the new you! Start there the rest just falls into place. You will find your confidence again, you WILL feel desirable and loveable again. I am still working on me and that’s a good thing it’s when we stop working on ourselves that we let our truth be taken from us.

We are all lovable in our own ways, we just need to find the people that accept us as we are!

Remember you are not alone!

The mirror… friend or foe?

A few months ago in my Muay Thai class we had to practice sparring in front of the mirror.  I was off to the side, when my instructor came over and said “Nat you are never in front of the mirror” I mumbled some lame excuse that there was no room. But the cold hard truth is … I hate the mirror. I use one every day and I have no issue with the face that stares back at me, but when it comes to looking at my full image I cringe.

Yes I am the girl who is always at the back of the yoga, aerobic or spin class, the reason I stay at the back of the class is so that I do not have to see myself.  I am aware that I have body issues as my nudist drum teacher kindly pointed out (no we do not have our drum lessons in the nude, that would be ALL kinds of bad naked). I know that these issues are ALL created by me. It’s sad really and what’s even more heartbreaking is that I am not alone.  I know that there are many women out there that have a distorted mirror image of themselves which leads to the big question “How do WE change this?”

You could go to the extreme like Kjerstin Gruys  who decided to go without mirrors for a year. She went without looking in a mirror to prove that her obsession with her looks, youth and weight was not going to rule her life. It was her attempt to save her self-esteem.

I do not believe that avoiding the mirror is the answer to saving your self-esteem.  The mirror is not our enemy it is our mindset. In order to change how we look in the mirror we need to change what we think of ourselves.  We will never like ourselves if we do not learn to love ourselves. We all have this great capacity to love, we love others some people are worthy while some aren’t yet we cannot love the one person in our lives that we should love the most and that is ourselves.

I have recently embraced the mirror, okay not embrace but I starting to become friends with my nemesis.  I do stand in front of it during my Muay Thai class, some days I do better than others but my issues did not happen overnight so getting to that place of acceptance will take a while. I also prance around in my gitch while getting ready for work; yes the curtains are closed so I am not putting on a peep show for my neighbours.   I figure if I can get comfortable being exposed and letting my bits wiggle and jiggle, I will not notice them anymore. I also look in the full length mirror everyday and compliment myself just to keep the positive love towards me flowing. Eventually saying good things will become the norm.

Ladies I going to challenge you all to do the same, guys you can join in as well. Every day for the next month dance/prance/strut around in your gitch then stand in front of the mirror and compliment yourself.  As soon as you start to get negative thoughts walk away. Increase that time in front of the mirror until you can stand there for a full 2 minutes without one negative thought.

Will you take the challenge?

Let’s say goodbye to the old and make room for the new…

This past weekend while having dinner with Beebs, we got to talking about the ups and downs of 2012 and as with every coming New Year we hope that better things will come our way. She told me that she had been thinking about seeing an energy healer to clean the slate sort of speak. She is thinking that maybe getting rid of the energy of 2012 will insure 2013 starts off with a positive flow. I actually think this isn’t a bad idea, why not get rid of the old and start clean with the new.

With that being said I went home that night and put on these old, worn out pair of sweat shorts that belonged to the one great love of my life (so far). I use to wear them when I slept over at his place and eventually claimed them as my own. There was that comfort of having something of his, the comfort of having him around when he wasn’t there. I have held on to these shorts through 2 moves and another relationship. These shorts have become my security blanket therefore I too should get rid of the old to make room for the new.

Perhaps by getting rid of the shorts I can close the chapter on that part of my life and by doing so put back the piece of my heart that belonged to him, making it whole again. I don’t know if this will help open the pathway for the new great love of my life to enter but it can’t hurt. Beside I don’t see anything wrong with starting 2013 whole heartedly.

Have you been hanging on to something for too long? Be it an old hurt, old love or that pair of jeans from 10 years ago that you are convinced you will one day fit into again; it’s time to get rid of the old and make room for the new.

You have two months until the New Year, which is an enough time to clean the slate.  By midnight Dec. 31, 2012 those shorts will be rotting in a garbage pile somewhere, or maybe my brother will let me set them on fire in his backyard (he has a fire pit).  Nothing says closure like an old memento burning up in flames.

What are you going to do to clean the slate for 2013?

Don’t sweat the small stuff

I believe that what you put into life is what you get back. I try to be as positive as possible because I know for a fact that after every bad moment comes good one. I think you have to experience life to the fullest and go for those dreams. Recently I’ve started taking drum lessons and the first thing my instructor said to me was I want you to be in the right mind set. ‘You will be a drummer!’ we will take it slow and YOU WILL be a drummer I don’t want you to stress when you cannot get something because it WILL come to you and you have stressed for nothing. It all comes in time and attitude is everything!

Everything does come in time with a little hard work, perseverance and being in the right mind set. Therefore there is no need to be stuck in a job that you hate that causes you countless hours of stress and misery. One day you can be replaced and that stress was for nothing. I have a friend that hates her job, is always working and even when she is out she cannot let go of work. I told her that life is too short to be this hung up on work, if she hates it so much she should put her resume out there. However her issue is that she has no idea what she wants to do. She does not want to do the same work she is doing now. This is a tough one and if you face this dilemma I suggest you think about what you love doing, maybe you will need to make a career change. If it’s a career change research how you can make this change, maybe it’s a night school or online course. Believe me when you are working towards something you love the job you hate is not such a big deal because you know there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

What stops most of us from making change is fear. Fear of failure, fear of success, fear of the unknown, whatever your reason for not doing something it usually stems from fear. When we fear things we make excuses, like I’m too old, I don’t have the time, I have kids to take care of…..etc EXCUSES. If you really want something to change in your life you have to work at it. Nothing happens from complaining, wishing or wallowing in you misery..NOTHING! Once you start making those changes you will find that the help you need, will be there and things get easier. The hardest thing to do is to take that first step, but once you are in motion nothing can stop you.

We are all responsible for our own happiness, do the things that give you joy, never let another person be the cause of your happiness. You are the controller of your life, even when something bad happens, you may not have been able to control the situation but you can control how you deal with if after.

Be happy girls, don’t sweat the small stuff, pray for strength to deal with the big stuff and always work towards your happiness.

Cheers!

Fear

I do not have a poker face, maybe Gaga does but I definitely do not. I try to keep neutral for the most part because I remember Eckhart Tolle stating that our ego is in play when we get emotional high’s and low’s and we should try to control it so that it doesn’t control us. Well I must have some sort of ego because I was seriously getting worried about my employability. If you read the blog you know I have been randomly looking for a new job and after the initial burst of potential opportunities things went dry, not Sahara dry but very close to it. I was beginning to think something was wrong with me and was starting to seriously doubt my skills.

Things would pop into my head and make me question my worth as a human. Things like maybe I think too highly of myself or maybe I was fooling myself into thinking I could do more or maybe this is all there is for me? What was going on, why was my ‘ego’ telling me I was an unworthy human just because nobody was calling me in for a job interview? I know it sounds a bit crazy but really I was doing a number on myself and not in a good way.

I think all these thoughts played into my head because I was thinking that if I can’t find a man the least I should be able to do is find a job. The fact that neither situation was changing was making me feel sorry for myself. This is no way to be and coming from someone like me who usually thinks I can take on the world it was an awful experience.

I think it’s hard to admit your fears no matter what they are. Personally I like writing things down, not normally in a blog for all to read, but if it’s written down I feel I can fight it with logic rather than with ‘ego’. The good thing is that things are happening on the job front and although the man situation is still on life support the breathing has become a hell of a lot easier now that my head is out of the way.

Queen B

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