It’s not you….I’m asexual

I’m blogging again as a single gal. I was not going to post about anything that happened in my last relationship or in this case didn’t happen, but I think there may be others out there that need to know they are not alone. I was with my ex for 4 years, and now that I’ve had time to find me again I’m sharing my story.

As with all relationships, it started off with great expectations. I think that is where it all went wrong but that’s another blog post. Things were good, not great but sometimes you think you want something so bad you make it better then it is. There were signs in the beginning that told me this was not going to last forever but nothing prepared me for the emotional mind fuck of my partner telling me he that he was asexual. I Googled asexuality and just stared at this definition….

What is Asexuality?

Asexuality is a sexual orientation characterized by a persistent lack of sexual attraction toward any gender. At least 1% of people are believed to be asexual.

Now you may be wondering how this conversation came about, it was actually a big issue in our relationship. After a couple years he was just not interested in me physically. Of course I internalized that but tell me how you couldn’t. Your with someone and they wanted you in the beginning but then lose interest. We had lengthy conversations about it. At first it was all about his past, his issues with his father and the trauma he caused. I was trying to understand and suggested he talk to someone to help him address these issues. He did go to one therapy session but decided he’ll deal with it on his own. Eventually this lead him to Google his lack of intimacy issues and he decided he was asexual.

I did not share this with anyone for a long while. I was so hurt and felt so rejected that I could not have anyone else know of my shame. It took a long time for that to fester into anger instead I went into sad ugly place. I stopped doing things I loved, this is not his doing, he just said the words but this is how I let them effect me. I just continued to go through the motions of being in a relationship until I could no longer stand myself. Yes I could not stand how I let myself go and I wanted more. I could no longer live in his world of anger and self pity, so I ended it.

Ending the relationship was the easy part it had ended long before I walked away. The hard part was the struggle to get my self-esteem back. When someone would rather believe they were asexual then be intimate with you it, it leaves a scar. You feel unloveable and it hurts. For anyone that is feeling this way at this moment I can tell you it’s their issues NOT yours, even thought this is true it will not sink in. You have probably told yourself over and over it’s not me, however deep down you don’t believe that.

The struggle is to get your beliefs about yourself to match all the good stuff you tell yourself. All the positive self talk in the world will do fuck all if you don’t believe what you’re saying! So how do you get yourself to the place of believing. Start by doing something that you love. For me that’s working out, nothing makes me feel stronger then when I feel like I’ve pushed myself.

What is that thing that makes you feel invincible?

All you need to do is find that thing. You know what it is, it’s whatever gives you joy. The thing that if you talk about it, you light up. Finding your thing will slowly lead to the new you! Start there the rest just falls into place. You will find your confidence again, you WILL feel desirable and loveable again. I am still working on me and that’s a good thing it’s when we stop working on ourselves that we let our truth be taken from us.

We are all lovable in our own ways, we just need to find the people that accept us as we are!

Remember you are not alone!

Iyanla Fix My ‘Love’ Life…

Monday evening I turn on the TV and it happens to be on the OWN network. I see that Iylanla Fix My Life is coming on next. I was about to change the channel when the show starts and Iyanla asked “what’s making you single?” Then she goes on to say that she will be dealing with common mistakes that women make causing them to remain single. Needless to say I sat my ass back down and did not move from the TV for the next hour.

First she starts off with ‘It’s not HIM! Stop blaming HIM!’ Very powerful words, at first you may read this and get your knickers all bunched up but after you’ve gotten over your righteous indignation really think about these words. The ‘HIM’ in your life may very well be a narcissistic ass that puts you down all the time, a  commitment phobe , lazy  or whatever else you have labeled the men that have let you down. When she says stop blaming him she is saying look deep within yourself and ask WHY did you pick him in the first place? Did you pick the man who constantly puts you down because you believe that you are not good enough so you picked someone who is willing to verbalize your belief?

Do you believe that all the good ones are taken? That all men just want one thing and do not want to commit? Or that you don’t need a man because you can take care of yourself? Whatever it is that you’re verbalizing for you lack of love is exactly what you will find. Our limiting beliefs and fears will show up in our world. Buddha said it best “All that we are is the result of what we have thought”

Iyanla asked the audience to truthfully answer the following questions:

1)      What’s getting in the way of finding the one you love? What gets in my ways is_______________

2)      What is it that you don’t want a man to know about you? I don’t want him to know __________________

In order to fix your single life you need to fix your belief system. So ladies grab a notepad and write down all of your limiting beliefs and fears, read them, think about them and then write a new postive affirming belief beside it. Say these new beliefs out loud and start believing them.

Iyanla gave everyone homework, she said to go out there and say Hi to every man you pass (every man without a women hanging off his arm that is). Just say Hi without expecting anything from it. So gals get out there and a flash your pearly whites, and see what happens.

I beleive you will find the love that you truly desire, do you?

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